True Blue Landing Zone Framework (Fair Dinkum Edition)

Craig Wilson
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StrayaCloud

🌍 Straya Cloud™ – True Blue Landing Zone Framework (Fair Dinkum Edition)

“An enterprise-grade, animal-powered, bogan-blessed cloud infrastructure framework for serious deployments (not really).”

✨ Executive Summary

Straya Cloud™ is the next evolution in Outback-born Infrastructure-as-a-Shrimp-on-the-Barbie. Built on the sweat of tradies, managed by cockatoos, and secured by crocs, this offering is designed for enterprises who take their downtime as seriously as their uptime. Powered by the Cloud Aussie Framework (CAF), Straya Cloud is fully compliant with the Australian Standards for Yarn-Safe Cloud Operations (ASYSCO) and the Inter-Governmental Kangaroo Trust Network (IKTN).

🌐 Core Design Principles

Mateship-Based Access Control (MBAC)

A security model where access is granted based on your level of mateship:

  • BlokeAdmin: Full-root, fair-dinkum access. Reserved for those who’ve hosted at least three sausage sizzles.
  • SheilaOps: Operational superstars responsible for keeping the tinny cold and the infra hot.
  • DrongoGuest: Read-only access. May break things unintentionally while looking for the sauce.
  • GalahAuditor: Sees everything, touches nothing, squawks in reports.

MBAC policies are enforced with laminated pub coasters, thumb wrestling, and a strong sense of community judgement.

Defendable Yarn-Chucking Zones (DYCZ)

Each zone is protected with:

  • Vegemite-encrypted fences
  • Lamington trap sensors
  • Cassowary rapid response teams

Zonal divisions are named:

  • BushCore (production workloads)
  • BarbieZone (test/dev)
  • StubbyNet (cold storage and memes)

🦜 Networking: PegNet™

Carrier-pigeon based data transfer for high-latency, feather-friendly networking.

Features:

  • Subnets = Pecking Orders
  • Regions = Nesting Colonies
  • Load Balancer = Magpie Attack Router (MAR), redirects payloads based on shriek pattern
  • ExpressRoute = OutbackRun™: direct peck lines via trained racing pigeons
  • DNS = Didgeridoo Naming System, emits vibrations interpreted by roos with cochlear implants

Latency: Variable (depends on pigeon union break times and wind)

Throughput: Up to 12 sardines per squawk

Firewall

  • Managed by a council of cockatoos who intercept dodgy packets and mock them until they drop

🦘 Storage: RooDrive™

Store your data in marsupial-managed memory pouches.

Storage Types:

  • Cold Storage: WombatBurrows™ – underground archival units dug by unionized wombats
  • Hot Storage: RooRAM™ – front-pouch, low-latency storage with high-bounce resiliency
  • Blob Storage: EmuBlob™ – large, oiled feathers coated in sticky byte-resin

Features:

  • Auto-Replication: JoeyMirroring™ – mother kangaroo replicates data across 2+ pouches
  • Geo-Redundancy: Kangaroo convoy routing (KCR)
  • Snapshots: KoalaPolaroid™ system captures eucalyptus-stamped history

Compliance: Fully certified by the Royal Data Authority of Billabongs and Nullarbor

🧠 Compute: KoalaKore™

Processing workloads during the 4-hour awake cycle of koalas.

Node Types:

  • DropBears: VM equivalents, sometimes aggressive during spikes
  • WallabyContainers: Lightweight, pouch-isolated processes
  • GoannaGrid: Cluster compute, scale-out with tongue-flick latency sync

Autoscaling

  • Triggered by:
    • Eucalyptus stress sniffing
    • Bark moisture sensors
    • Dingo howl frequency

Serverless

  • Called ThunkTions™ – on-demand processing handled by thoughtful kangaroos with clipboards

SLAs:

  • 99.32% uptime (unless it’s a public holiday or State of Origin night)

🛡️ Security: CrocSec™

Infrastructure so secure even a dingo can’t sniff it out.

Key Features:

  • Access Control: Guarded by laser-eyed crocs wearing sunnies
  • Zero Trust: Trust no packet, not even your nan’s birthday eCard
  • Pouch-Based Token Rotation: Biometric roo-hop authorization
  • Threat Detection: Kookaburras trained to laugh at suspicious activity

Encryption

  • Lamington256 algorithm: fudge-layered encryption with desiccated coconut salting

📆 Governance & Policy: True Blue Bureaucracy™

No-nonsense Aussie-style compliance.

Tagging Strategy:

  • StrewthLevel (values: Low, Crikey, FlatOutLikeALizard)
  • BarbieOwner (name of responsible devops mate)

Resource Locks

  • BunningsPadlocks™ tied with zipties and duct tape

Cost Management

  • Budgeting tool called MoolahMate™, notifies you when you’ve spent more than 12 slabs of beer

🌊 CI/CD: DidgOps™

Pipelines powered by didgeridoos and possum messengers.

Deployment Stages:

  1. Billabong Build: Source control merges
  2. Bushfire Test: Stress testing by setting configs on fire
  3. WombatRelease: Burrows to production tunnels

Alerts

  • CockatooAlert™ squawks sent via carrier pelican to on-call swagmen

Artifact Storage

  • Stored in esky buckets, labelled with Vegemite

🌎 Regions & Availability

Region ID Name Animal Operator
BNDI-1 Bondi Bunker Lobsters on scooters
NTBO-1 Nullarbor Outpost Racing emus
FNQL-1 Croc Creek Underwater cassowaries
KIWI-1 KiwiZone Flightless DevOps Sheep

Each zone has at least one:

  • Esky Rack
  • Roo Relay Node
  • Dropbear Emergency Response Centre

🧐 AI & ML: SnakeML™

Artificial Intelligence powered by the oldest reptiles in the game.

Training Data

  • Outback radio chatter
  • Footy game transcripts
  • Aussie dad jokes

Models

  • DingoGPT: Predicts which bin goes out tonight
  • RooNet: Predicts kangaroo interference patterns for mobile latency
  • BoganoVision: Object detection model that identifies stubby holders in camera feeds

Training jobs managed by redback spiders suspended from bush Wi-Fi nodes.

🎓 Support & Training: TAFECloud™

Docs written on the back of serviettes at the pub, uploaded by pelicans.

  • Support Tiers:
    • Free: You Google it, ya drongo
    • Paid: We send a tradie with a headlamp and a boot full of zip ties
    • VIP: A quokka gives you a hug while things build

🚗 Deployment Vehicles

  • UtePods: Self-contained, four-wheel drive deployment trucks for edge workloads
  • SwagTents: On-demand infra spun up at music festivals or meat raffles
  • TinnieNodes: Lightweight floating compute available in coastal waters

🍻 Pricing

Unit: Slabs per month (24-beer equivalent)

Tier Slabs/mo Features
BoganBasic 0 Limited, unstable, powered by crank radio
TradieTier 2 Decent compute, offline Fridays
ExecMate 12 RooDrive max, AI ops, pet quokka included

🚀 Conclusion

Straya Cloud™ isn’t just a platform – it’s a bloody lifestyle. With pigeons, crocs, kangaroos, and cockatoos working in harmony, your infrastructure will be:

  • Bigger than a meat pie on ANZAC Day
  • Stronger than a VB at a cricket match
  • More secure than a dunny door in a cyclone

This April Fools, give your team the only cloud designed by actual roos: Straya Cloud™ – Powered by wildlife, governed by slang. … and ChatGPT!